My eyes could have literally fallen out of its sockets as a result of how hard I rolled them. Now that I’m reflecting back in time I must admit that my eye roll was quite epic (to say the least) that day --- but I imagine that you’re not reading this post to read about an eye roll.
Bear with me as I get to the point.
You see, not many things have the ability to really grind my gears -- except for when a person complains about a situation that isn’t worth complaining about. Allow me to explain by asking you to open your mind and consider the following questions:
· Have you ever had a friend that complained about not being able to purchase new shoes or new outfits but already has a closet full of abundant options? (Okay so maybe this is typical and maybe I have been guilty before, but do read on...)
· Have you ever met a person that griped about paying for one minor expense yet their parents financially cover all of their everyday expenditures?
· Do you know a person that never shows any appreciation for the things that they have or can never acknowledge that there just mightttt be someone in the world that has it worse off?
Blame it on my upbringing or my experiences, but it is hard for me to sympathize with people that complain about what I consider to be privileged situations.
That was until life smacked me in the face and totally changed my perception. It’s funny how life will do that -- make you confront everything you THOUGHT was right and tell you “nope, you are actually pretty wrong as wrong can get.”
Well, life sure did show me that had no right to consider someone else’s situation more privileged just because of my own perception. I had no right to compare all of the time. I can regretfully admit that I was once guilty of judging a book by its cover.
So what led up to this awakening, you ask? -- The day I held a conversation with a co-worker and realized that her situation of co-parenting wasn’t as easy as I had previously thought.
SimplyMei’s Experience
I remember that day vividly. It was just “one of those days” for me where nothing seemed to be going right. I had gotten my son up that morning with the plan to get him dressed for school like normal and then... BOOM! Life threw one of its punches.
As I soon as I went to wake my son up, I noticeably observed that he was under the weather and would definitely NOT be able to attend school... but I couldn’t miss any more days from work. (Thanks to car issues weeks before that made me miss some days). My normal routine was to get him to school and then get to work. I cursed not being able to call his biological father for help with keeping him. I cursed having to be a single parent and figure it out on my own. Long story short, I was late to work that day after finally making arrangements with my child’s grandmother. Needless to say, I wasn’t in the best mood when I arrived at work.
I chose to eat lunch by myself that day hoping to avoid any social interaction. Well, what do you know? A co-worker of mine came to me visibly distraught and asked could she just vent. Now, I knew this co-worker was married to her children’s father so when she began conversation by saying “mommyhood is so stressful,” I immediately didn’t want to hear more. Can you blame me after the morning I had as a single parent? I thought to myself, what did she know about the real struggle of parenting? Did she face” single parenting struggles” such as the ones I experienced? Why was she complaining when she had help from the father of her children? I couldn't help to roll my eyes.
BOY WAS I SO WRONG FOR COMPARING!
Instead of automatically dismissing her, I decided to listen. I’m thankful that I did because that conversation changed how I viewed co-parenting forever. She shared how difficult it was when it came to agreeing on methods of discipline. Her husband was raised in a household where spanking was an acceptable form of punishment. She was not raised like that.
She shared how her husband worked in the hospitality business so sometimes he could get stuck at work until 8 at night. This left her with the responsibility of dropping the children off at school/camp before going to work, picking them up after her work shift, trying to squeeze in gym time after work for her own health, attempting to fix dinners for the family every night, getting the children bathed, and getting them ready for bed by the time he got home.
She shared how much it hurt her when she left him alone with the kids only to have him call and say, “What do you think I should make the kids for dinner?” I understood her hurt and confusion. After all, they are his kids too. He should know what they like. Him asking that question made her feel like a single parent.
I felt bad for misjudging her and a lot of other parents in co-parenting situations. I felt bad for undermining their challenges. As a single parent, I don’t have to compromise with my child’s father on things such as discipline and so much more.
6 SimplyMei Tips
This blog post is for misunderstood co-parents everywhere. I’ll be the first to admit that as a single parent, I did not consider the struggles you all faced beforehand. However, I fully realize that co-parenting presents its own unique challenges as with other styles of parenting. In lieu, try tackling this particular style of parenting with some help of 6 SimplyMei tips:
1. Be Considerate:
First and foremost, accept that you and your child’s mother/father will not always agree. Let’s face it. Just because you two love each other does not mean that you will always be on one accord when it comes to raising your children.
There's a high chance that you two were not raised in the exact same manner. Upbringing can have a huge affect on how one chooses to parent their own children. So, he/she doesn't agree with your idea of punishment? Don't get frustrated and say things like “well you are wrong and this is the right way.”
Use I statements like "I feel like this way of discipline will work better for these particular instances,” or “I was brought up like this and it worked,” or “I feel belittled when you challenge me.” I statements allow you to express how you feel so that your emotions are not bottled up. However, don’t end the conversation with I statements. After you express how you feel, open the floor to finding a solution together. This is the perfect time to be considerate of your partner’s opinion. Make requests or suggest compromises. Ask things such as, "Would you be willing to try this? Is there a middle ground that we can come to for a set period of time to see if this way works? "
2. Beat the Dead Horse:
Yes. You read it right. I know people say NOT to “beat a dead horse” but not SimplyMei. As co-parents you have to learn how to have communication and talk things through until a solution is found. You may end up talking about the same thing over and over after multiple trial and errors… AND THAT IS OKAY.
What you can’t do is sweep things under the rug without confronting the issues such as how to discipline, setting schedules, allocation of money, and so forth. You are not getting rid of the issue by acting like it doesn't exist. I hate to be a buzz kill but the issue will still be there. By not talking it through, you are prolonging and delaying a much needed conservation and creating friction.
3. Choose Your Battles Wisely:
Newsflash: You will not get your way 100% of the time unless you are dating yourself or parenting by yourself. Prioritize what means most to you. Identify areas of parenting that you feel aren’t worth that big of an argument. Understand that allowing the other person to have a say-so will allow them to be more open with you in return -- especially when it comes to things that you feel pretty strongly about.
4. Leave The Kids Out:
Okay, this is pretty simple guys. Don't let the kids hear you openly discussing ways on how to parent. It may 1) confuse them because they do not know which parent to listen to or obey 2) they may play "parent against parent" -- after all they are kids and kids will test their limits sometimes.
5. Establish A Clear System:
We all know that life sometimes trumps set plans. However, why not make life a little easier? Sit down with your partner and set up some clear boundaries so there’s no confusion. It is a perfect time to coordinate schedules and form rules for your children together.
6. Remember YOU ARE the Parents:
Last but not least, remember that you and your partner created your children. Outsiders will ALWAYS have an opinion or give you advice that is not always asked for. Even your parents may try to add their two cents in every now and again. Truth is, you and your partner know your kids the best. You two know what type of teamwork is needed to co-parent effectively. Try your best to keep home challenges “indoors” as much as possible and learn to lean on each other when trying to overcome obstacles.
Wrapping Up With Mei
To all of the moms and dads that co-parent, thank you for sticking it out and working together. Being a parent is one of the toughest jobs in the world. Trying to balance your own ideas on the best way to parent with another person’s idea can make things challenging.
It takes patience, compromise, understanding, respect, and a little trial-and-error to co-parent effectively. Arguing or walking away from your partner may sometimes seem like the easier thing to do. During those hard times, keep thinking about the sake of your children.
SimplyMei thinks the world of co-parents! Keep being selfless and keep working together. One day when I marry, I may be asking you for co-parenting advice with my spouse.
..But what do I know? I’m just a blogger that writes down her opinions. Until next time with #SimplyMei…
If you like anything you have read or would like to make a comment, feel more than welcome to do so! Private thoughts or comments? Email SimplyMei: simplymeitsf@gmail.com . You may also share blog posts to all of your friends on your social media outlets and tag SimplyMei. Find SimplyMei on these social media handles:
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